That time when I lost a loved one…

I had spent many nights in prayers. I started believing the unbelievable, just for the sake of some magic that could help her survive. 

There was a pain I felt, a deep shattering pain of what might happen when she will leave. How the lives would change. How that house wouldn’t be the same anymore. How her voice reverberated in my ears, how her sweet chiding became even louder. How the innately inconsequential moments became too important. How it seems her going away will scoop out life from a family and all those who are connected with it. 

It’s amazing, how we are so averted to change. It was not only her departure but the change that her non-existence would bring around. How insignificant we feel someone is in our lives until we see her go. How we take people for granted unless they are about to leave. How confident we feel that they will wake up every day when we know it’s not true. How we surround ourselves with lies of eternity. 

It is difficult to accept how inescapable pain sometimes becomes. How those sweet memories serve as warm cosy cushions for you to lie onto them and feel happy and blissful again, only to open your eyes and again and feel those very cushions gone cold and pale.

How you feel you should have talked a little more, spent time a little more if you had known she will go away one day. We didn’t know that you know? Or did we? 

Why do we fool ourselves into believing all those who are around us, will be with us for the rest of our lives? We become habitual of them and forget that they are just co-travellers on this journey to life and we never know where they might disembark the vehicle, leaving us all alone. They will completely vanish in existence, leaving several hordes of memories to live by and love. 

You are just left with this pain squeezing your heart such that sometimes it feels difficult to breathe and sometimes tears are the only warmth you need. Sometimes being in bed is the only way to hide and believe maybe this is all but another bad dream. 

I was a part of her family for merely 3 years. But somehow the pain that she left inside me was unwarranted. I don’t know how much she loved me. But certainly, it must be her love that has left me so shattered..

Review (movie):The fault in our stars

” But alas,the world is not a wish granting factory”
-John greene (The fault in our stars)

Life seems to be a night without any clue what the weather next morning will be. It’s exciting but intimidating too.

Scared to think what might happen to people you love. Or perhaps you yourself might be the victim of god’s fancies. All this cleaves the heart into two. One that fears why at all should we live and what if we die today. The other wants to breathe the few left valid moments of life. One feels making relationships would lead to happiness. The other feels the effort is no more than to try to hold onto the sand in our hands for long, before it falls away and be a part of the vast ocean of its descendants. Forever to get lost in the abyss, with no more a distinct identity. Either they’ll be first or you to ascend to your real abode. Misery certainly is inevitable.

Bless the heart that watches someone daily leading towards the end of his journey. Who sits beside the traveler telling him not to worry or perhaps the usual “you’ll be fine”.

Where deep inside he too fears the loss…perhaps ill rather be the traveler and not the consoling beloved. Because to bear your pain is easier than seeing a beloved suffering.

To travel is easier than standing at your threshold and intending to lead the same life while a big change is about to happen.

Reading The fault in our stars leaves us with the same feeling.

How everyday ones escapes death, plays with it when you never know when you will be caught.

Hitherto Hazel felt like a grenade who would blow up people’s life and leave only victims and scars behind. Her cancerous self, rejected any idea of getting “hooked up” with a boy she felt highly attracted to. Though spending time with him, her appetite could no longer resist the temptation and she gave in.

The point when she kissed Augustus she lost the battle of her mind against her heart, giving her senses the pleasure of being in love. Little did she knew she herself fell for a grenade which exploded her life up, leaving her as a casualty with unbearably beloved scars.

The plot shows how life has its twists and turns. One may not know when the visa we brought for travelling down to earth may expire.

It’s as if hazel got a gift in lieu of her diseased self. A person who loved her and died loving her making her a part of the last moments of his life through the letters he left for VanHouten. Where in the first half Hazel was the next feed of the dust, Augustus preceded her.It is certainly about…The fault in our stars  which can make or break the constellation of life.

The thing with watching the movie is that those that die in it are actually alive. You can still see Ansel Elgort alive.However the novels makes you cry more because you know there certainly was some Augustus waters who died giving Hazel a reason to live.

Would love to have you back!

Would love to have you back